Paul Ryan Suspended

It was announced today that the FEC has suspended Paul Ryan for 50 days for testing positive for an illegal substance. A Ryan spokesman explained that he didn't know how this could have happened unless it was the veep nominee's bull semen power drinks. While Ryan will miss the Republican convention his chiseled physique will return in time for the stretch drive to election day.

The White House released this statement, “Anytime you hear about something like that, with someone that’s had success against you, it’s disappointing.” He added, "the president wants to reassure all Americans that he will be sticking to the suds and avoiding performance and revenue enhancers."